gnome

'Er's been off again. Came back, full of the joys of spring, she's just had two days staying somewhere near the sea at the north bit of a whale (or something like that, it's hard to hear with a load of moss in one ear and a dead beetle in t'other.) She's all delighted about the blooming daffies and stuff coming out. What does she expect 'em to do, stay in with a good book?

Anyway, tell you what I just heard. Sitting here on the snail all day, I get all the gossip. You know that Red Nose thing, when they all made idiots of themselves? Apparently, 'er mates had planned to kidnap me and hold me to ransom, but they didn't get their act together. What's so difficult? I'm an old stone gnome on a snail! couldn't they catch me? I'm 'ere! Oy! ' ere! I won't run away! Useless lot.

Pity about that. Would have raised a king's ransom. Gnome's ransom, anyway. Don't know what they'd get for the snail, mind.