'Ouse Warming. They've been 'ere a blooming year and now they're 'aving a 'ouse warming, I ask yer! This weekend, better late than never, eh? Shoulda done it winter, that's when 'ouses need warming. Mind you, 'er's talking about Open 'Ouse, so just as well it's 'appening in summer if they want to leave doors open all over the place. What did 'er ever do without me to look after 'er, eh?
Mind, it'll be nice to 'ave some visitors, specially now them cornflowers are dying off and I can see where I'm going. Me snail can't, but I can. It's getting lively round 'ere, what with the 'edgehog, and the odd field mouse running over me foot, and them peacock butterflies, and me other stone mates. We've got some early windfall apples, and if young Oliver doesn't stop chucking 'em at the shed I'll clip 'is ears for 'im. Nice 'edgehog, that. 'Edgehogs generally eat snails, but he won't bother mine because stone snails don't agree with 'edgies. Not good for the teeth.
'Er can't come into 'er garden without talking to plants. You should 'ear 'er. 'Hello, how are you today? Aren't you pretty? Who needs water this morning?' Don't know what the neighbours think, if they can 'ear all that. They'll all be round at her bloomin' 'ouse warming to see if 'er's as balmy as 'er sounds. Believe you me, they won't be disappointed.
You haven't had an Archers Update for some time. It's all a bit fragmented, really, but I'll try. Here we go -
Elizabeth Pargeter should be slapped. I know Nigel fell off the roof, but that's no excuse for what she got up to.
Shula's son Dan joined the army and went to Sandhurst.
Charlie is a bully and a meanie. How dare he talk to Adam Macy like that!
Ed blocked the combine harvester and bought Emma a new dress.
Jennifer has invited the entire village, if not the county, to a party to admire her new fitted kitchen. That's Jennifer for you.
Linda has found rare butterflies on the land where the council want to make a road, and is having it declared a Site of Special Scientific Interest. (The land, not the council.) That way they won't be able to put the road through the middle of Brookfield Farm, which as you know is farmed by David and Ruth Archer, and has been in the family for at least three generations.
Tony Archer is getting very excited about cows, the policeman who likes Fallon is singing in a band with Jolene, and Lilian didn't really knit the cardigan for the baby, Peggy did because Lilian can't knit. Oh, and Pat Archer went to see Richard who is now calling himself John, which he should, because that's his real name after his father, who was... but it's a long story.