Much and Murdering

I'm surprise 'e 'asn't done 'er in.

Yesterday was Easter Monday, Bank Holiday, and for once the sun shone. Like 'alf the people in the country, 'er was off to the Garden Centre.

(At this point, I must explain - because Much won't - that the previous day I had cut down everything in the front garden rockery that I didn't like. This left a lot of space. And the Garden Centre is a real garden centre, a small one run by local people who know what they're selling. As my Austrian friend says, 'you can tell it's a real garden centre because they don't sell scented candles'.)

Yeah, but 'er didn't just buy plants and seeds, 'er bought 'arf a ton of topsoil. Four bags of it. Loading that lot up nearly crippled poor Tony. There was so much stuff in that trolley already, 'e 'ad to stack 'em all at the same end and the thing nearly went over like a catapult. Would 'ave landed right on his foot, too.

Come the afternoon, 'er's pottering about in 'er garden sorting out where to put her campanula and 'er saxophone or saxifrage or weeds or whatever 'er calls 'em and Tony's cutting the grass. That were the first cut of the year and it didn't 'arf give that garden a shock. The fairies 'ad to pack up their little suitcases and run for it. Then, because e's good like this, 'e did the vacuuming. Or at least, 'e started. Arfway down the 'all the vacuum cleaner conks out all together. Caput.

'Er Ladyship were right 'elpful. 'Er asked a lot of questions like whether 'e'd tried a different socket, or was it a loose connection in the plug, and was he sure 'e was doing it right? 'E replied on the lines of whether 'er would like to swallow a three pin plug. 'Er found this very amusing and went back to 'er garden.

Poor old Tony. He'd nearly lost his foot in a soil avalanche, run the lawn mover through the rain forest and 'ad a lot of un'elpful suggestions about what to do with a dead vacuum clear. Well, that's it, I thought. This is the day when we find 'er battered to death with a vacuum and tied upside down to the trellis with a saxifrage in 'er mouth. And we were thinking putting a honeysuckle there. (On the trellis, not in 'er mouth.) If Tony does 'er in today, I thought, I reckon he'll get off on the grounds that 'er drove 'im round the bed. I'd sit down in court and defend him.

What did 'e do? 'E made her a cup of tea. I reckon 'er's spoilt, don't you?