The Kitchen Fairy

I would love a kitchen fairy. Not just to cook, but to do the washing and load and unload the dishwasher, and do all the putting away. But I would have to leave her instructions -

The top right gas burner is the hottest, but it's too stiff to turn on unless you use two hands and a tea towel and it's even harder to turn off again

To open the fridge door take hold of the bit where the handle used to be

Having opened the fridge you will find that no light comes on. That's OK, the fridge still works

When loading the dishwasher, hold the runner on the top left hand side and don't let it come out, or it'll drop off the thingy

The jam jars are waiting to be taken to a jam maker

The thing behind the ironing board is a coffee maker I haven't worked out how to use yet

The medicines are in a cupboard so far up that you need to stand on a chair. If your problem is dizziness, get somebody else to do it. Anything higher up than the medicines cupboard is nothing to do with me.

The small fridge needs defrosting. Always. It's my blind spot.

There is a reason for the little blue teapot standing beside the small fridge. When I remember what it is, I'll tell you. Or you could even ask the little blue teapot.

And the kitchen fairy has to leave the fridge magnets alone. There are funny ones, church ones, pictures of our godchildren and our sponsored child, and an elephant.

P S Dear kitchen fairy, do not bang the fridge door. The elephant might drop off.