little friend

My little friend has not been at all well, and there was nothing more that could be done. Before you start to cry, let me explain. The little friend in question is/was my phone. I'd had it for six years and was quite fond of it, and they don't make those cosy wee clamshell designs any more. (WHY NOT?) So new little phone is accustoming itself to its new home and having a comforting charge up.

As I said before, I am a techinept. I chose my previous phone because it was the same as Daughter's, and she could show me how it worked without my having to read the instructions. This time, I'm on my own. I chose a very simple phone, but I fear I out-simple it. The man in the shop summed me up with a glance, put the SIM card in for me, and set the clock. In the next 24 hours I have to get on to speaking terms with it.

Up to now I haven't done voicemail, but perhaps I should.

'Hello, this is Margi's phone speaking. Shall I take a message for her? Please speak politely after the ding-dong'.

''ey-up. 'Er's not in. Much speaking. What you after? 'Urry up, I ain't got all day.'

'Good morning, afternoon or evening. Margi is not available. This is Hamilton falling off the settee'.

or the push button options -

For family and friends, press 1

For editors, agent, and all other work queries, press 2

For the phone company calling to tell me I've just topped up, I know that, thank you, so there's no need to press anything.

If you want to sell me anything, I don't care what you press SO LONG AS IT'S ON THE PHONE OF SOMEBODY WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT IT

If you want to ask me a difficult question, press 39572947592795461197835683927593875, multiplied by 6.32% of Pi, add a lemon, and take away the number you first thought of.

Speak soon!