Much

- We all know what they should 'ave on that new quid. A gnome, that's what. A good old-fashioned English garden gnome.

Which is exactly what turned up at the New House of Stories yesterday. I last saw Much two weeks ago when LOS and I gnome-napped him from our old garden. To the best of my knowledge he spent the following two weeks in LOS's car boot. But LOS arrived yesterday and told me he'd found Much on the doorstep. It must have taken him two weeks to get from Yorkshire to the Tyne Valley by snail, LOS reckoned.

- Me? I'm saying nuffing 'ow I got 'ere. It ain't bad, you know. Nice to see Missus again. Not sure yet where I'm going to set up me corner. I spent last night outside the back door and this afternoon they moved me to some sort of a rockery, and it ain't a patch on the old one. And what 'appened, as soon as was in me new place? A blooming 'ailstorm, that's bloomin' what! So much for 'er wonderful Northumberland!

Missus needs to get some work done round 'ere. This rockery ain't got no traily things, and you need traily things on a rockery. There's a stone tortoise, seems like a decent sort of chap, at least he don't go running about like that blooming dog.

I miss me river. Sooner or later 'er should get that water feature working again, but I ain't holding me breath waiting. So, I might stay. If I don't like it, me and me snail can find our way back to Yorkshire.

That 'ailstorm's stopped. I might stay.