This, that and Much

'Er come down the garden today, doing a bit tidying up, weed and feed, all that stuff, and kindly removed the bit cotoneaster as was sticking in me ribs. Then she stroked me 'at. I can't say anyone done that before. 'I'll miss you, Much,' she says. 'I'll miss you, missus', I says. It just come out without me thinking about it. I'm a gnome of few words, as you know. But it's nice to 'ave a missus as knows 'er gnomes.

Now, there's this big flowery show every year down south in Chelsea. 'Er ain't going this year but 'er sometimes does. 'Er went last year with Lady Sunshine, blimey, never stopped talking about it for weeks. Personally I don't approve. Why not? Because gnomes is banned at Chelsea, that's why not! What do they think we're going to do, eat the blooming lupins? However, this year it's the hundredth Chelsea Flower Show and they're allowing a few gnomes in. Only took them a hundred years to get their 'eads around that. Mind you it's not just any gnomes. Posh gnomes only. I thought we was all posh.

I realy will miss him. But he will have new company, and so will I.

It remains for me to tell you that Newcastle United have been pretty rubbish this season and have only just stayed in the Premiership. Must Try Harder.

And as for The Archers, well, it's all kicking off. Paul is throwing his toys out of the pram, or rather out of the car, while driving too fast, and Lilian has finally realised that she's got a wrong'un there. Matt is on to Paul and Lilian. I suspect she came home without her teeth in. Neil called the police about a dog-fighting ring and got accidentally shot, but not too seriously. The one who should be shot is Pip, who is being selfish, devious and unbearable, but all Archer girls go through an unbearable stage betweeen about sixteen and twenty-four. Pip's father gave her an ear-bending this week and I wanted to stand up and cheer. The theme of the village fete will be Highland Games. A llama died.

An everyday story of country folk.