Albert's War

I couldn't think of what to tell you today, so I thought about for a story. This came to mind, it's a favourite one of Tony's. I don't normally write about guns, but this is an exception.

Tony's father was called Albert. When the war broke out, young Albert was keen to do his bit and reported to the recruiting office without waiting for the call-up. But Albert had a very weak right eye, and was dismissed as unfit for service. Being Albert, he tried a different recruiting office. He'd used up quite a few before he got a letter from the army telling him if he didn't stop wasting their time he'd be arrested.

He still wasn't discouraged. The government introduced the LDV, or 'Home Guard', local units of men too old, too young or too unfit for the army. Their role was, essentially, to keep watch for an invasion and fight if such a thing actually happened. LDV, by the way, stood for Local Defence Volunteers, but Albert always said it was Look, Duck and Vanish.

All LDVs were taught to use guns, which meant a lot of drilling with no ammunition at all or with blanks, because all the ammunition was needed for the troops. Finally, Albert's Army got their live ammo and were all taken to the firing range to practice the dangerous bit.

Now Albert, as I said, had a weak right eye, and maybe they should have taken this into account before giving him a rifle. He did explain, after all, but they still told him to sight along the rifle with his right eye. Bless him, he did his best, but he couldn't see a thing, so he angled the gun sideways a bit and looked down it with his left eye instead. He would have been OK if not for an officer who noticed him and strode across the rifle range bellowing,

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN?

Albert, who had been concentrating very hard, was not expecting this. He jumped. So did his trigger finger, and the kick from the gun knocked him clean on to his back. When he looked up the officer was glaring down at him with a face like thunder, and an empty space where his hat ought to be.

They took the rifle away from Albert after that, and gave him a Sten gun, which shoots from the hip. (ou can get more of your own officers that way.) By the way, later that day they found the officer's hat. It had a bullet hole all the way through.