Much

For any newcomers to The House of Stories, Much is a plain grey stone gnome riding on a snail. I met him when we moved to the previous House of Stories. He had been there considerably longer than we had, so when we moved we left him there, but we sort of felt he missed us, with nobody to talk to except an occasional passing tooth fairy. (There were a couple of other gnomes there and they were nice enough chaps, but they didn't make conversation.) Much is old and so weather-beaten that some of his features are blurred, but that doesn't stop him having his say. He is a Yorkshire gnome after all. We named his Much as in 'Much of a muchness', and Robin Hood's friend Much, and the well known expression 'you can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much'. Or maybe he chose his own name and told it to us, the way Padra did.

Sun's come out. 'Bout blooming time. Any minute now I'll see 'er prancing down the garden with a watering can like Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary. 'Er were a bit puzzled when 'er went to pick them gooseberries. Them gooseberry bushes is only young ones and she didn't expect much of 'em yet, but all the same, 'er thought she'd get more berries than that. I said nothing. My snail likes gooseberries too. 'E may be slow, but in the course of a night 'e can get to the gooseberry bushes and back, and what's more 'e don't mind them prickles. He leaves some for 'er, too, and most of the Alpine strawberries, cos 'e aint too fussed about them.

The apples are starting to fall, but they're cookers, so 'e don't bother with those. And there's mint around us, too, so we smell good. Hey, missus, get off that computer and get gardening, the weeds won't pull themselves up.

Just let me update them on The Archers first. Also for newcomers, The Archers is a radio soap that has been running in the UK for over sixty years. It's lovable, frequently implausible and predictable, heart-tugging, makes you shout at the radio, and it's totally addictive. It's set in a fictional farming community somewhere round about Oxfordshire/Gloucestershire.

OK, now concentrate. Ready? Rob Tichener (boo!)and Helen Archer just got back from a holiday and announced that they've got married. Rob has been cooking the books and Charlie is on to it. Helen doesn't know this (she's a complete muppet where Rob is concerned). It will all end in tears. Tony Archer has retired, Brian Aldridge refuses to, and Ruth's mother is in a care home. Susan wants to update the shop so Lynda is horrified. Pip got a 2.1 in her degree and has been herding sheep. Kenton is still cross.

Understood?